Realize

Just realize.

KTown is...

manipulative: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage. "the early manipulative techniques of a three-year-old child"

Not me.

controlling: able to control or determine policy; The process of being sure that events conform to plans. "a controlling interest in the firm"

Not me.

dangerous: involving or causing danger or risk; liable to hurt or harm. "a dangerous criminal"; "a dangerous bridge"; "unemployment reached dangerous proportions"

Not me.

jealous: suspicious or unduly suspicious or fearful of being displaced by a rival. "a jealous lover"

Used to be me. Had every right to be. Turns out I was right all along.

amazing: inspiring awe or admiration or wonder. "the awesome complexity of the universe"; "this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath"- Melville

Me.

passionate: having or expressing strong emotions. "Their love was passionate and everyone could see this as the glanced at each other from across the room"

Me.

prerogative: a right reserved exclusively by a particular person or group (especially a hereditary or official right) "suffrage was the prerogative of white adult males"

Mine. Thank you to Machiavelli's "The Prince" (turns out I remembered something from college!).

determined: devoting full strength and concentrated attention to. "made continued and determined efforts to find and destroy enemy headquarters"

Me.

follow through: pursue to a conclusion or bring to a successful issue. "Did he go through with the treatment?"; "He implemented a new economic plan"; "She followed up his recommendations with a written proposal"

Me (well, working on it).

complacent: contented to a fault with oneself or one's actions. "he had become complacent after years of success"; "his self-satisfied dignity"

Not me (anymore).

loyal: unwavering in devotion to friend or vow or cause. "loyal to his wife"; "loyal supporters"

Me. Always.

unwavering (marked by firm determination or resolution; not shakable) "firm convictions"; "a firm mouth"; "steadfast resolve"; "a man of unbendable perseverence"; "unwavering loyalty"

Me.

optimistic: expecting the best in this best of all possible worlds. "in an optimistic mood"; "optimistic plans"; "took an optimistic view"

Me. Life can only get better.


Congratulations Jacqui and Todd.

Stagnant

I live in a world where it just seems that there is no real forward motion. Only lateral movement.

Let me tell you about my life. I grew up with the ideals of family, success, the American Dream, the life that was just supposed to follow suit. Just like everybody else in this semi-working class, hardcore work ethic-based mentality world that was just first nature. That is Chicago. That is what we do here. That is what is instilled upon me and always pulls me back to reality. City Of Big Shoulders? My ass. It all spurs from the fact that we came here to have a better life for our further generations. Looking at my being and laughing at the fact that I consistently stray from the norm. Am I Chicago? Am I not Chicago? I don't even fucking know who or what or where I am anymore. I've been coastal, for whatever the reason. I look right and know what there is there. And I might be there again. I Look left and see that one face, smiling back at me and looking down. It just makes me smile and I can't help it.

This is the epitome of random blogging. I haven't been here in a while and I really don't miss it. I began blogging to voice my thoughts from that C U Next Tuesday and the hell I was mentally put though, and yet afuckingain I'm doing the same thing because of the one person that I never thought I would have to do this for. Something just has to be wrong internally with me for this to persistently happen. I don't understand and I am sick of trying to rationalize it.

I'm not in that mold anymore. Too much information being thrown at me while at the same time, trying to maintain this ridiculous balance with what everyone expects. Everything is swarming around me, the INSTANT that I planted my flag and let the world know what I wanted.

And now I have options. And it freaks me out. And I know that I will try my best, any probably mess it up. That is just what I do best.

But, at least I am going to church. Somebody loves me.

Shock

Once again I am just at a loss for words. I am sick and tired of doing what I think is right and being let down. I am sick and tired of people telling me/swearing to me about something, only to back down. I am sick and tired of having the rug yanked out from underneath me. This shit should not keep happening and I don't know why I let it. And I don't know why I keep trusting people and going above and beyond to make my thoughts known.

My intent was clear. This is just cruel.

Hypo-something Christians.....please, enlighten me

My entire life. Well, my life up until I ended up at a uber-liberal arts college, raised me as a God-fearing Roman Catholic. Seeing as though my religion extends the olive branch into the world of massive rule-bending, I can only assume that others will do the same/follow suit.

Life as a Catholic has taught me acceptance and DEFINITELY a realization that we are all very different (especially what with the pedo priest incidents that have been brought to the public eye in the past years......not to say that other religions are just as bad....just google it and you will hopefully agree). It doesn't matter how different we are.

The point is not that there are definite faults in how I was raised to conceptualize the Lord. No, not even close. I realize that each denomination has it's own merit, pro and con, truth or false, in accordance to what they were taught to believe (except for Scientologists.......I mean, c'mon, who hasn't seen that South Park episode?? Atom bombs dropped from 747s into volcanoes???). The fact remains that we all believe in a higher being, period.

I just cannot sit here and listen to rhetoric that just does not compute. Believe it or not, we came from apes, God didn't just pull a classic Simpsons move and tap parts of the earth to create trees and LCD TVs and ReadyBoost and running water and 3G networks and SEO and everything that is around us. That just makes ZERO sense.

It is hard to convey this considering I am a card-carrying NRA and GOP member, but still, there has to be a point where you just have to sit back and say "Okay, look, chances are pretty good that we didn't just show up here and handle our shit and civilize". Myself as well as pretty much everyone I know can attest to the fact that their daily lives would not even exist to the point that they are had it not been for a little theory called evolution. But I digress.

But if we start to dissect individuals within a certain religion and still allow those differences to protrude through YET still make them acceptable......well then, a big F U to that. Case in point: If person A and person B claim the same faith, they are equal, right? Now, what if person A says/acts out in a way that is totally contradictory to the way that person B claims to act, how the hell do you decipher what is the real modus operandi of their belief system? I truly do not know, and that is the crux of this whole issue for me.

In lay terms, here is a real life example: Two people, guy (A) and girl (B), they hang out. Both claim to be in tune with their faith. (B) makes passes, finds out (A) is all about a potential future with (C)....all the while , (B) has professed her commitment to (D). (A) denies (B) because he wants to see where the future lies with (C). (B) figures this out and pretends that the attempt at (A) never happened so that (D) will not even question this. And for the record, (D) is outside of this faith so he really isn't involved in this equation, he is an outsider. However, (D) has been trying to immerse himself into this yet he is being shut out of the entire picture, even though he has made it clear that he wishes to engage in knowledge that would make him part of it. As soon as (D) queries (B) about a simple question regarding this way of life...........his ass get's hung up on.

"Oh but he's a good Christian guy, he doesn't need to do that with other women".....
.....oh but you are a 'good Christian girl, you don't need to do that with other guys'....


It never ends.

What It Takes

Originally I put this up as my first ever entry on 7.12.2004. Today is as good as ever to revisit this, there is always something in it that anyone can relate to.


As much as I would love to take credit for this work, it is not mine. Rather, I found it one day and I've kept it bookmarked so I may read it when I feel like, well, shit. Enjoy....

------------------------------------------------------------------
Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before. He is born with what he needs to win at life. Each person in his own way can see, hear, touch, taste, and think for himself. Each has his own unique potentials-his capabilities and limitations. Each can be significant, thinking, aware, and creatively productive person in his own right-a winner.

The words "winner" and "loser" have many meanings. When we refer to a person as a winner, we do not mean one who beats the other guy by winning over him and making him lose. To us, a winner is one who responds authentically by being credible, trustworthy, responsive, and genuine both as an individual and as a member of society. A loser is one who fails to respond authentically. Martin Buber expresses this idea as he retells an old story of a rabbi who on his death bed sees himself as a loser. The rabbi laments that, in the world to come, he will not be asked why he wasn't Moses; he will be asked why he wasn't himself.

Few people are one hundred percent winners or one hundred percent losers. It's a matter of degree. However, once a person is on the road to being a winner, his chances are greater for becoming even more so. This book is intended to facilitate the journey.

WINNERS

Winners have different potentials. Achievement is not the most important thing. Authenticity is. The authentic person experiences the reality of himself by knowing himself, being himself, and becoming a credible, responsive person. He actualizes his own unprecendented uniqueness and appreciates the uniqueness of others.

He does not dedicate his life to a concept of what he imagines he should be, rather he is himself and as such he does not use his energy putting on a performance, maintaining pretence, and manipulating others into his games. A winner can reveal himself instead of projecting images that please, provoke, or entice others. He is aware that there is a difference between being loving and able and acting loving, between being stupid and acting stupid, between being knowledgeable and acting knowledgeable. He does not need to hide behind a mask. He throws off unrealistic self-images of inferiority or superiority. Autonomy does not frighten a winner.

Everyone has moments of autonomy, if only fleeting. However, a winner is about to sustain his autonomy over ever-increasing periods of time. He may lose ground occasionally. He may even fail. Yet, in spite of setbacks a winner maintains a basic faith in himself.

A winner is not afraid to do his own thinking and to use his own knowledge. He can separate facts from opinion and doesn't pretend to have all the answers. He listens to others, evaluates what they say, but comes to his own conclusions. While he can admire and respect other people, he is not totally defined, demolished, bound or awed by them.

A winner does not play "helpless" nor does he play the blaming game. Instead he assumes responsibility for his own life. He does not give others a false authority over him. He's his own boss and knows it.

A winner's timing is right. He responds appropriately to the situation. His response is appropriate when it is related to the message sent and preserves the significance, worth, well-being, and dignity of the people involved. He knows that for everything there is a season and for every activity a time.

A time to be aggressive and a time to be passive,
A time to be together and a time to be alone,

A time to fight and a time to love,

A time to work and a time to play,

A time to cry and a time to laugh,

A time to confront and a time to withdraw,

A time to speak and a time to be silent,

A time to hurry and a time to wait.

To a winner time is precious. He doesn't kill it. He lives it here and now. Living in the now does not mean that he foolishly ignores his own past history or fails to prepare for his future. Rather, he knows his past, is aware and alive in the present, and looks forward to the future.

A winner learns how to know his feelings and his limitations and is not afraid of them. He is not stopped by his own contradictions and ambivalences. He knows when he is angry and can listen when others are angry with him. He can give and receive affection. He is able to love and be loved.

A winner can be spontaneous. He does not have to respond in predetermined, rigid ways. He can change his plans when the situation calls for it. A winner has a zest of life. He enjoys work, play, food, other people, sex, and the world of nature. He enjoys his own accomplishments. Without envy he enjoys the accomplishments of others.

Although a winner can freely enjoy himself, he can also postpone enjoyment. He can discipline himself in the present to enhance his enjoyment in the future. He is not afraid to go after what he wants but does so in appropriate ways. He does not get his security by controlling others. He does not set himself up to lose.

A winner cares about the world and its peoples. He is not isolated from the general problems of society. He is concerned, compassionate, and committed to improving the quality of life. Even in the face of national and international adversity, he does not see himself as totally powerless. He does what he can to make the world a better place.

LOSERS

Although people are born to win, they are also born helpless and totally dependent on their environment. Winners successfully make the transition from total helplessness to independence, and then to interdependence. Losers do not. Somewhere along the line they begin to avoid becoming self-responsible.

As we have noted, few people are total winners or losers. Most of them are winners in some areas of their lives and losers in others. Their winning or losing is influenced by what happens to them in childhood.

A lack of response to dependency needs, poor nutrition, brutality, unhappy relationships, disease, continuing disappointments, inadequate physical care, and traumatic experiences that contribute to making people losers. Such experiences interrupt, deter, or prevent the normal progress toward autonomy and self-actualization. To cope with negative experiences a child learns to manipulate himself and others. These manipulative techniques are hard to give up later in life and often become set patters. A winner works to shed them. A loser hangs on to them.

Some losers speak of themselves as successful but anxious, successful but trapped, or successful but unhappy. Others speak of themselves as totally beaten, without purpose, unable to move, half dead, or bored to death. A loser may not recognize that, for the most part, he has been building his own cage and digging his own grave, and is a bore to himself.

A loser seldom lives in the present. He destroys the present by occupying his mind with past memories or future expectations.

When the loser lives in his past, he dwells on the good old days or on his past misfortunes. Nostalgically, he either clings to the way things "used to be" or bemoans his bad luck. He feels sorry for himself and shifts the responsibility for his unsatisfactory life onto others. Blaming others and excusing himself are often part of his games. A loser who lives in the past may lament if only:

If only I had married some one else…

If only I had a different job…

If only I had finished school…

If only I had been handsome (beautiful)…

If only my spouse had stopped drinking…

If only I had been born rich…

If only I had better parents…

When a person lives in the future he may dream of some miracle after which he can "live happily ever after." Rather than pursuing his own life, he waits-waits for the magical rescue. How wonderful life will be when:

When school is over…

When Prince Charming or the ideal woman finally comes…

When the kids grow up…

When that new job opens…

When the boss dies…

When my ship comes in…

In contrast to those who live with the delusion of a magical rescue, some losers live constantly under the dread of future catastrophe. They conjure up expectations of what if:

What if I lose my job…

What if I lose my mind…

What if something falls on me…

What if I break my leg…

What if they don't like me…

What if I make a mistake…

By continually focusing on the future, a person experiences anxiety in the present. He is anxious over what he anticipates-either real or imagined-tests, bill paying, a love affair, crisis, illness, retirement, the weather, and so forth. A person overly involved with imaginings lets the actual possibilities of the moment pass him by. He occupies his mind with material that is irrelevant to the current situation. His anxiety tunes out current reality. Consequently, he is unable to see for himself, hear for himself, feel for himself, or taste, touch, or think for himself.

Unable to bring the full potential of his senses into the immediate situation, a loser's perceptions are incorrect or incomplete. He sees himself and others through a prismlike distortion. His ability to deal effectively with the real world is hampered.

A loser spends much of his time play-acting. He pretends, manipulates, and perpetuates old roles from childhood. He invests his energy in maintaining his masks, often projecting a phony front. Karen Horney writes, "The fostering of the phony self is always at the expense of the real self, the latter being treated with disdain, and best like a poor relative." To the play-acting loser, his performance is often more important than his reality.

A loser represses his capacity to express spontaneously and appropriately his full range of possible behavior. He may be unaware of other options for his life if the path he chooses goes nowhere. He is afraid to try new things. He maintains his own status quo. He is a repeater. He repeats not only his own mistakes; he often repeats those of his family and culture.

A loser has difficulty giving and receiving affection. He does not enter into intimate, honest, direct relationships with others. Instead, he tries to manipulate them into living up to his expectations and channels his energies into living up to their expectations.

When a person is being a loser, he is not using his intellect appropriately. He is misusing it by rationalizing and intellectualizing. When rationalizing, he gives excuses to make his actions seem plausible. When intellectualizing, he tries to snow others with his verbiage. Consequently, much of his potential remains dormant, unrealized, and unrecognized. Like the frog-prince in the fairy tale, he is spellbound and lives life being something he isn't meant to be.

Born to Win, by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward
Published by Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1971.

still top on that search

weird how this blog isn't really touched, yet I post ONE entry and all of a sudden I am #1 for my surname.


eat a IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID .

more testing

can't tell if this is updating.

either way, TEST TEST TEST

otro examen

quiero ver la effecion del este poste.

A la primera persona!

ttttest

sdfghjkl;lkjhg

I'm Back Bitches

working on it.

WWKTD?

WWKTD?

Best Night in a Few Months

So the driver came to pick us up at 6, show started at 8 but we figured we could drink and hangout there for an hour or so before he came out to play...

After several rounds of $8 beers and several trips to the bathroom, it was time for the show to begin........

2nd row seats, damn. I didn't even need to use the zoom on the camera for that pic of him, we were so damn close to the stage. We were right there, good times! For real, I'm pretty sure I was getting out of hand, even worse than "PLAY MILLION DOLLAR$!". Mayer doesn't get his props as a guitarist, but he should b/c he can play his ass off! Best date ;) EVER!!

I was planning on meeting someone for his private show at Shuba's afterwards, but I literally passed out in the car on the way back. Our driver was totally south side, but God bless her for letting us rip 'em! I guess the show afterwards was awesome, all blues and only one of his originals. It didn't matter, the concert was plenty for me.




And also, Keith Urban rules. Take your space and take your reasons, but You'll Think Of Me.

Good Times

Even though some of our roster has decided to leave, the Midwest All Stars are still able to win games. Last night, we took out one of our obnoxious rivals and won the game 5-1. Little did I know that it was the first round of the playoffs..........

After the game, my boy Rick asked me if I wanted to go see one of our friends from good old Knox College perfom at an open mic night. I figured 'hey, why not? Thursday nights seem to be fun and I need to do something'. So we go. Good times! Even though there was really not much of a crowd there, Chris and Curt were more than entertaining. Actually, I had no idea who Curt was but then Chris gave me his guitar and I played and sang a few songs w/Curt.......between songs, we chatted and he told me he went to Knox for a year but moved to Chicago and goes to UIC....after deducing all this info, I realized who he was....he's good friends with Karen aka 'Kare Bear', I remember her telling me about him. Anyway, he's a cool guy and I'll probably go there next week and play again. Songs we played: Ghost, Clarity, Man On The Side, No Woman No Cry, and My Stupid Mouth. Good Times!

So that ended, Rick and I decided we needed more so we went to McGee's($1 Bottles WUT WUT!), they closed down and we weren't done yet............there was only one other place to go............................... TY's!!!! Wow that place is lame, although sometimes you can get lucky and have a good time there. Not last night though, but it was still nice to do something to get my mind completely of you know what. God bless ya Rick!

The Cubs Are Pissing me Off.

Ok, so we lose to Milwaukee today. SWEET! That was a fantastic attempt at a diving catch by Sammy, too bad he wasn't even close to the ball. He needs to get back on the juice so he can run faster and make those plays.

The Burbs

When I moved to the city back in Feb '03, it was a point in my life that I just needed a change. At that time, I was getting to be pretty anti-burbs and I was too excited to live in the city to think that I might even miss some things that the burbs had to offer.

However, last night I had a little revelation. I was driving to my parent's house to pick up some protein I ordered from www.allthewhey.com (this place is great btw), and right before I got to the entrance of our subdivision, something hit me.....just a quick flashback or something of that nature, but it was pretty cool. As I rode down the little Frontage rd. that leads to their house, I passed the field that is followed by the lake in the backyard. Something just hit me, maybe it was the humidity and the scent of the cleaner suburban air, who knows what it was. Regardless of that, I just let that feeling come over me and it brought me back to all of those late summer nights and all the stupid shit I used to do when I had the summer off........not trying to dwell on the past, but that was a pretty easy time of life. I guess its just that maybe I was able to capture a moment in my mind, and it's so easy to pull that memory out and atleast bask in the short memory of who I was then and what I thought my future held. I know that someone out there that is reading this has the perfect comeback, she's saying "You need to stop looking at the past, Dan." Well ya know what? The past makes us who we are today; this isn't a question of living in the past, rather it is a subtle reminder of how much life can change and how we all think that there is always going to be something better out there for us. Holla at ya'boy!

LOVE SPONGE!

Rough day, I really beat myself up last night. It's worth it, or so I keep telling myself.

It seems that the key to getting your mind off of something(for me anyway) is to just exhaust yourself mentally and then physically. This way, there is no time to give a shit about how I'm really feeling, I'm too drained to give a rat's ass at that point.

By the time I am home and done doing all the stuff that encompasses my day, it's already 10pm. And even when I am home, I still have to make dinner. I need a cook. This is 4 days out of the week, so it's good to be able to not have to deal with any thoughts that might would otherwise be racing through my head. If I didn't start going back to the gym with such intensity, things would be alot worse than they are now.

I love the gym culture. No matter where yours may be, they all have the same characteristics: The ex h.s/college football players who are even chubbier than they were in their prime, most have an asshole attitude and usually workout with a partner and make references to "Remember that solo tackle I made in 1995 in the state playoffs?" or the likes....The old guy who likes to read the paper in between his 30 sets on the leg extension machine.....the fat guy who is super strong and does nothing but bench press.....the cardio queens who think that if they run for just 20 more minutes, the hail damage will disappear and they will be good enough to find their early-to-mid 30s stud with the big bank account(they wonder why their legs keep getting bigger though......hmm).....the really skinny guy who just doesn't seem to ever grow(until he finds some chemical assistance from the next guy--->).....the very muscular guy with all kinds of silly tatoos who tries hitting on the hot receptionist....ALL the people that spend 45 minutes doing the most pointless workout for their body(abs....c'mon now, you don't even really need to do them....you need to diet!).....and of course, there is the old guy in the locker room........if you are a guy, chances are you have seen him or one of his relatives. He doesn't ever workout, but rather he likes to sit there all day with his old balls and loose skin on display for the world to see....hey old man, go home already!

I don't know where I fall into this whole thing; maybe I'm a mixture of all of them, but I know that I'm way to focused to ever really acknowledge anyone or anything for the short time I am there. Throw on the iPod and drown out the world and focus on change, focus on improvement. It really isn't that hard, you just have to know what you are trying to accomplish. There is such a high I get when I walk out of there, nothing could bring me down for the rest of the night. Maybe that is what's keeping me going right now, because with all of the bullshit and deceit I have been subjected to lately, not even that can take me off this high.

I have to admit, once in a blue moon will I see someone that seems to be on the same page as me when I'm there. It happened last night, and it was a female. She was pushing weights and she knew what she was doing, and she was in great shape. Small waist and hips, muscular legs but not gross looking, good vasularity, very feminine, tan but not super tan, strong, gorgeous.......sexy.

If I didn't feel like such a failure in the relationships/understanding/trusting women department, I probably would have made an attempt. But then again, who likes to get hit on at the gym anyway?

Fruity ass music

I'm guilty of listening to some really bizarre, questionable music.

It all started with getting a hold of the song from Karate Kid (You're the Best.....AROUND!), and then it just got worse. Nelson, yup, the Nelson twins. The kid who played Corky on that t.v. show.......yup, he's got a band. Whitesnake. Poison. Hulk Hogan's theme song. I have way more, I just don't want to scare anyone off that might actually be reading this.

KEEP YA' EYES ON MY BADONKADONKDONK.

Yes, I am losing it.


you can't love too much, one part of it.........

Not a good idea to drink too many red bull vodkas

I really couldn't tell you. When it comes to getting ready to go out, I am so lazy. I am sure that it is a learned behavior, just being around that makes you eventually that way, too. However, I definitely learned how to waste as much time as possible in the process, and I've gotten pretty good at it! It used to hard liquor(stored in a water bottle) and some random mix that fueled the process, and now it's beer. Love the previews, hate the movies.

So when I reached my first destination, for some reason it switched from beer to vodka/red bull. Big mistake, I knew it was going to be a long night. The 80s party went as planned, good crowd, plenty of people dressed up for it. Got to see Paul and Bob, they came in from out of town. Jacqui looked classic, she even cut her bangs. I'll get pictures up on here as soon as they are sent to me.

Anyway, I think I saw Ricky last night but I'm not sure what time that was. Didn't get much sleep last night but that happens sometimes.

I can't play guitar when I'm not sober. My neighbors have to know this by now.

Now the sleep schedule is all messed up, I should be in bed by now.....The weather was so gorgeous today that I couldn't spend it in bed, so I did the next logical thing: I went to the park to lay there and read for a little while before I drove to my grandmothers house. That didn't really work out so well, and ended up with me taking a pretty long walk around the area. It was kinda nice, maybe I should buy a bike.

Right now I am sitting here and I'm looking at my fish and I can't think of his name. I didn't name him, somebody else did. For real, I can't think of his name.

I Hate Mornings

First off, I really hope that Mark Prior isn't out for the season. Secondly, Dooman, thanks for having me believe that Nomar was coming to the Cubbies..........ass.

Back to me hating the mornings......Every morning it seems like I just want to sleep that extra 5 minutes, even though it won't do me any good. Starting off the day is such a routine process, physically of course. Mentally is a whole different story. The day before, I have done all I can to make sure that I am physically and mentally exhausted so that I don't think about that one thing that has been haunting my mind. However, when I wake up, I'm at my most basic state. I'm not thinking about work or my meal timing for the day or how I'm going to jack up my PR or my 6pm date with the CFC or what I am going to dress up as for the 80s party on Saturday. NO, I'm clouded by my inner thoughts and feelings and chances are that she had some small role in a dream I had last night. You can't stop the mind from wandering, at least, I can't.

We used to walk these streets together and now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you.

Blue Green Ocean Crashing

Music...Nothing like music to capture a moment, maybe its just an innate ablity I possess that lets me remember certain things. This may be bad, it may be good. I can think of hundreds of times that music has lent itself to a certain situation or high point or low point in my past.

Take Sat night for instance. I'm hanging out with someone that tells me they are a fan of the Indigo Girls, so I throw some on.....big mistake. After about the 3rd song, I get a flashback.......YOU'RE BAGS ARE AT THE TARTANA!!! I get this flashback to the hour long singalong to any Indigo Girls song that was available at that moment in the hotel room, which kinda ruined the mood for me this weekend.

If you haven't already, now would be a good time to enter in a "you need to stop living in the past, Dan."

Good Afternoon

Okay, for some reason I couldn't get my blog to work all last night and this morning, until the whiz-kid Sean came back to work and changed the forces of the internet with his mad style and he got my shit up and running.

So this morning I am waiting on the L platform and the train is coming into the station...I look down quickly and my eyes lead to the stairwell...I see a long white skirt and calves that I could pick out of a lineup, running up the other side of the stairs....I'm about to board the train and I look to the back cars and low and behold....oh yes, it is the ex gf ---- good call on guessing that I'd be on the other side of the train this morning, otherwise we might have had to end up sitting with each other....AND we know how fun that would have been!!! Almost as fun as hearing you telling me that "If you see me, try to cross the street so that we don't even come in contact with each other"....amazing. Anyway, today is the two month anniversary of the last time I've had low-carb Lou Malnati's pizza. It's really not bad tasting, it's just different.

Oh yeah, you might be wondering how I remember that? Well, aside from the pizza, today is also 2 months from the day that she decided I was not good enough for her...hence the reason why I'm so jaded, don't believe anything anyone tells you, those words don't mean A DAMN THING, don't ever open up your heart to someone, even if you were assured that it wouldn't get crushed........because I'm living proof that it will happen.

and btw, long skirts are out....I figured you knew that, the short little linen ones are hot this summer, although the shawl(sp?) was a good purchase(just don't forget to take the sticker/tag off).

Random Thoughts at 2pm

ust finished some Popeye's wings, spicy...good stuff. Why the hell is it not steaming hot outside, considering it is mid July? Downtown Chicago is pretty kick ass in the summer, I like the women that tend to dress a little more risque for their desk jobs, it gives me something to stare at as I walk down Madison ave and try to get my mind off the fact that women, as a whole, are not to be trusted(not you though Mom, I love ya!)......ALTHOUGH some of them should definitely keep covered up, that's for sure(yes, I'm talking to you, you large woman at the Citibank bldg......look, your huge flabby arms are bearable to look at, but I think it was the fact that your pale skin was totally peeling all over your black shirt....almost made me want to vomit(but I couldn't do that to myself, I'm wearing a nice shirt and I would have to go home and change). Speaking of shirts.....I'm having a problem now that I have been hitting the gym alot harder than I was when I was with whats-her-name: button downs do not conform to my body, either you have to be skinny as hell or really chubby to fit into them correctly....in 3 weeks, 3 of my shirts just don't fit right in the chest/back area....WTF?? I might have to only wear tank tops or something until I'm back to my normal size, whatever that is.

Hollister

Okay another "wtf" thing: wtf is up with this shitty clothing line? I just took a short walk down the street and I must have seen 20 people wearing Hollister clothing....? From my understanding, they are comprable as old navy is to Gap. Why advertise that shit? And to make it worse, the people wearing it were easily into their 20s and wearing this garbage.....get a fucking clue people, let the kids wear that stuff. And don't get me started on Von Dutch or w/e the hell that is called.......sorry, but a $45 hat that probably costs $.20 to make is just a joke. BABY JESUS LOVES ME.

What Does It Take?

As much as I would love to take credit for this work, it is not mine. Rather, I found it one day and I've kept it bookmarked so I may read it when I feel like, well, shit. Enjoy....

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Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before. He is born with what he needs to win at life. Each person in his own way can see, hear, touch, taste, and think for himself. Each has his own unique potentials-his capabilities and limitations. Each can be significant, thinking, aware, and creatively productive person in his own right-a winner.

The words "winner" and "loser" have many meanings. When we refer to a person as a winner, we do not mean one who beats the other guy by winning over him and making him lose. To us, a winner is one who responds authentically by being credible, trustworthy, responsive, and genuine both as an individual and as a member of society. A loser is one who fails to respond authentically. Martin Buber expresses this idea as he retells an old story of a rabbi who on his death bed sees himself as a loser. The rabbi laments that, in the world to come, he will not be asked why he wasn't Moses; he will be asked why he wasn't himself.

Few people are one hundred percent winners or one hundred percent losers. It's a matter of degree. However, once a person is on the road to being a winner, his chances are greater for becoming even more so. This book is intended to facilitate the journey.

WINNERS

Winners have different potentials. Achievement is not the most important thing. Authenticity is. The authentic person experiences the reality of himself by knowing himself, being himself, and becoming a credible, responsive person. He actualizes his own unprecendented uniqueness and appreciates the uniqueness of others.

He does not dedicate his life to a concept of what he imagines he should be, rather he is himself and as such he does not use his energy putting on a performance, maintaining pretence, and manipulating others into his games. A winner can reveal himself instead of projecting images that please, provoke, or entice others. He is aware that there is a difference between being loving and able and acting loving, between being stupid and acting stupid, between being knowledgeable and acting knowledgeable. He does not need to hide behind a mask. He throws off unrealistic self-images of inferiority or superiority. Autonomy does not frighten a winner.

Everyone has moments of autonomy, if only fleeting. However, a winner is about to sustain his autonomy over ever-increasing periods of time. He may lose ground occasionally. He may even fail. Yet, in spite of setbacks a winner maintains a basic faith in himself.

A winner is not afraid to do his own thinking and to use his own knowledge. He can separate facts from opinion and doesn't pretend to have all the answers. He listens to others, evaluates what they say, but comes to his own conclusions. While he can admire and respect other people, he is not totally defined, demolished, bound or awed by them.

A winner does not play "helpless" nor does he play the blaming game. Instead he assumes responsibility for his own life. He does not give others a false authority over him. He's his own boss and knows it.

A winner's timing is right. He responds appropriately to the situation. His response is appropriate when it is related to the message sent and preserves the significance, worth, well-being, and dignity of the people involved. He knows that for everything there is a season and for every activity a time.

A time to be aggressive and a time to be passive,
A time to be together and a time to be alone,

A time to fight and a time to love,

A time to work and a time to play,

A time to cry and a time to laugh,

A time to confront and a time to withdraw,

A time to speak and a time to be silent,

A time to hurry and a time to wait.

To a winner time is precious. He doesn't kill it. He lives it here and now. Living in the now does not mean that he foolishly ignores his own past history or fails to prepare for his future. Rather, he knows his past, is aware and alive in the present, and looks forward to the future.

A winner learns how to know his feelings and his limitations and is not afraid of them. He is not stopped by his own contradictions and ambivalences. He knows when he is angry and can listen when others are angry with him. He can give and receive affection. He is able to love and be loved.

A winner can be spontaneous. He does not have to respond in predetermined, rigid ways. He can change his plans when the situation calls for it. A winner has a zest of life. He enjoys work, play, food, other people, sex, and the world of nature. He enjoys his own accomplishments. Without envy he enjoys the accomplishments of others.

Although a winner can freely enjoy himself, he can also postpone enjoyment. He can discipline himself in the present to enhance his enjoyment in the future. He is not afraid to go after what he wants but does so in appropriate ways. He does not get his security by controlling others. He does not set himself up to lose.

A winner cares about the world and its peoples. He is not isolated from the general problems of society. He is concerned, compassionate, and committed to improving the quality of life. Even in the face of national and international adversity, he does not see himself as totally powerless. He does what he can to make the world a better place.

LOSERS

Although people are born to win, they are also born helpless and totally dependent on their environment. Winners successfully make the transition from total helplessness to independence, and then to interdependence. Losers do not. Somewhere along the line they begin to avoid becoming self-responsible.

As we have noted, few people are total winners or losers. Most of them are winners in some areas of their lives and losers in others. Their winning or losing is influenced by what happens to them in childhood.

A lack of response to dependency needs, poor nutrition, brutality, unhappy relationships, disease, continuing disappointments, inadequate physical care, and traumatic experiences that contribute to making people losers. Such experiences interrupt, deter, or prevent the normal progress toward autonomy and self-actualization. To cope with negative experiences a child learns to manipulate himself and others. These manipulative techniques are hard to give up later in life and often become set patters. A winner works to shed them. A loser hangs on to them.

Some losers speak of themselves as successful but anxious, successful but trapped, or successful but unhappy. Others speak of themselves as totally beaten, without purpose, unable to move, half dead, or bored to death. A loser may not recognize that, for the most part, he has been building his own cage and digging his own grave, and is a bore to himself.

A loser seldom lives in the present. He destroys the present by occupying his mind with past memories or future expectations.

When the loser lives in his past, he dwells on the good old days or on his past misfortunes. Nostalgically, he either clings to the way things "used to be" or bemoans his bad luck. He feels sorry for himself and shifts the responsibility for his unsatisfactory life onto others. Blaming others and excusing himself are often part of his games. A loser who lives in the past may lament if only:

If only I had married some one else…

If only I had a different job…

If only I had finished school…

If only I had been handsome (beautiful)…

If only my spouse had stopped drinking…

If only I had been born rich…

If only I had better parents…

When a person lives in the future he may dream of some miracle after which he can "live happily ever after." Rather than pursuing his own life, he waits-waits for the magical rescue. How wonderful life will be when:

When school is over…

When Prince Charming or the ideal woman finally comes…

When the kids grow up…

When that new job opens…

When the boss dies…

When my ship comes in…

In contrast to those who live with the delusion of a magical rescue, some losers live constantly under the dread of future catastrophe. They conjure up expectations of what if:

What if I lose my job…

What if I lose my mind…

What if something falls on me…

What if I break my leg…

What if they don't like me…

What if I make a mistake…

By continually focusing on the future, a person experiences anxiety in the present. He is anxious over what he anticipates-either real or imagined-tests, bill paying, a love affair, crisis, illness, retirement, the weather, and so forth. A person overly involved with imaginings lets the actual possibilities of the moment pass him by. He occupies his mind with material that is irrelevant to the current situation. His anxiety tunes out current reality. Consequently, he is unable to see for himself, hear for himself, feel for himself, or taste, touch, or think for himself.

Unable to bring the full potential of his senses into the immediate situation, a loser's perceptions are incorrect or incomplete. He sees himself and others through a prismlike distortion. His ability to deal effectively with the real world is hampered.

A loser spends much of his time play-acting. He pretends, manipulates, and perpetuates old roles from childhood. He invests his energy in maintaining his masks, often projecting a phony front. Karen Horney writes, "The fostering of the phony self is always at the expense of the real self, the latter being treated with disdain, and best like a poor relative." To the play-acting loser, his performance is often more important than his reality.

A loser represses his capacity to express spontaneously and appropriately his full range of possible behavior. He may be unaware of other options for his life if the path he chooses goes nowhere. He is afraid to try new things. He maintains his own status quo. He is a repeater. He repeats not only his own mistakes; he often repeats those of his family and culture.

A loser has difficulty giving and receiving affection. He does not enter into intimate, honest, direct relationships with others. Instead, he tries to manipulate them into living up to his expectations and channels his energies into living up to their expectations.

When a person is being a loser, he is not using his intellect appropriately. He is misusing it by rationalizing and intellectualizing. When rationalizing, he gives excuses to make his actions seem plausible. When intellectualizing, he tries to snow others with his verbiage. Consequently, much of his potential remains dormant, unrealized, and unrecognized. Like the frog-prince in the fairy tale, he is spellbound and lives life being something he isn't meant to be.

Born to Win, by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward
Published by Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1971