Stagnant

I live in a world where it just seems that there is no real forward motion. Only lateral movement.

Let me tell you about my life. I grew up with the ideals of family, success, the American Dream, the life that was just supposed to follow suit. Just like everybody else in this semi-working class, hardcore work ethic-based mentality world that was just first nature. That is Chicago. That is what we do here. That is what is instilled upon me and always pulls me back to reality. City Of Big Shoulders? My ass. It all spurs from the fact that we came here to have a better life for our further generations. Looking at my being and laughing at the fact that I consistently stray from the norm. Am I Chicago? Am I not Chicago? I don't even fucking know who or what or where I am anymore. I've been coastal, for whatever the reason. I look right and know what there is there. And I might be there again. I Look left and see that one face, smiling back at me and looking down. It just makes me smile and I can't help it.

This is the epitome of random blogging. I haven't been here in a while and I really don't miss it. I began blogging to voice my thoughts from that C U Next Tuesday and the hell I was mentally put though, and yet afuckingain I'm doing the same thing because of the one person that I never thought I would have to do this for. Something just has to be wrong internally with me for this to persistently happen. I don't understand and I am sick of trying to rationalize it.

I'm not in that mold anymore. Too much information being thrown at me while at the same time, trying to maintain this ridiculous balance with what everyone expects. Everything is swarming around me, the INSTANT that I planted my flag and let the world know what I wanted.

And now I have options. And it freaks me out. And I know that I will try my best, any probably mess it up. That is just what I do best.

But, at least I am going to church. Somebody loves me.

Shock

Once again I am just at a loss for words. I am sick and tired of doing what I think is right and being let down. I am sick and tired of people telling me/swearing to me about something, only to back down. I am sick and tired of having the rug yanked out from underneath me. This shit should not keep happening and I don't know why I let it. And I don't know why I keep trusting people and going above and beyond to make my thoughts known.

My intent was clear. This is just cruel.